Cry me a River

This last weekend was Camp Hollywood. I had been looking forward to this weekend all year!! I was super stoked about it! Everything went really well. Morgan and I competed in Shag and Shaheed and I competed in the Amateur Lindy division. We placed 4th in the Lindy competition. If any of you follow my twitter account you would have noticed that I was SUPER upset Sunday night. I believe the tweet was that I had just had the worst experience of my life.

At any rate, I seriously did have the WORST experience of my life!! One of my really good friends (who happened to.be someone whose opinion I hold very high) was the meanest anyone has ever been to me. I went from wanting to choreograph routines, wanting to get a team (or two) together, and work on my dancing for competitions... to not even wanting to think about dancing ever again!

This person told me that my dancing has gotten way worse since I moved away and that people were talking about how bad it had gotten. This person then proceeded to tell me that they were down to work with me and be partners, but now I don't have my things in order, my dancing isn't on the level, and that they don't want to work together anymore.

I stood there speechless trying to blink back the tears. I mean having someone you are good friends with come and tell you that you suck at what you've dedicated the last 7 years of your life to... not only that you suck, but that you used to be good, but now you've become bad at it. I felt so small and worthless.

I didn't even dance once that night at Camp Hollywood. It was the last night of the event I had been looking forward to for 7 months, my last chance to say goodbye to people before we all went our separate ways, but instead of dancing and having a good night I sat on a couch in a hallway at the LAX Marriott with Dabney balling my eyes out. Even thinking about it now is making me tear up.

It was awful and I hated every minute of the whole experience. No one should ever have to go through that... EVER! I have never experienced a 180 before that moment and I haven't really been able to shake the desire to quit dancing all together.

I love dancing, and I know it is silly to base my feelings, desires, and ideas off of someone else's opinion, but there are some things in life I just can't help... and this is one of them.

Call Me Crazy!

Yeah, yeah , yeah... what's new? Everyone calls me crazy all the time... this isn't anything out of the ordinary... so why am I posting?! Well, other than giving the world another beautiful bit of my brain to read for their pleasure (or torture... however you look at it), I have come to this forum to express an opinion.

I have always been of the opinion that everyone should put in their fair share of work. Mind you I'm not saying that delegation isn't a wonderful thing. I mean although you may be delegating your workload... you're still doing work by delegating. Delegating is probably the hardest part of doing anything!! So kudos to all delegators! I'm talking about selling yourself... and no, I'm not talkin' prostitution.

Any small business that a person is starting has to promote themselves. Thanks to the WORLD WIDE WEB promoting one's self has become even easier!

(I had typed the "background" section and deleted it then retyped and deleted it about 5 or 6 times now. SO... I'm just going to cut to the chase without any back story.)

I don't feel I should promote or try to get people to use your services if you are clearly not doing anything to promote yourself. Also I'm not going to promote you if you use the same name as something else in the area (meaning not area specific things IE not "_____ on Main" or "Sun devil _____" Or "Valley _______").

You know how McDonalds says price and participation may vary.... well having the same name would be like being a McDonalds franchise and not participating in anything, your mascot would be Hippy the Hippo and you'd serve spaghetti.

At any rate... I have found some people want something for nothing. Too bad they aren't going to get it from me.

Ok... /crazy-b****-rant

Teaching

As most of you know since moving out to Phoenix I've started teaching and actually being a part of the whole "behind the scenes" business that has to happen to make the dances, lessons, etc. work. It has been an amazing experience! I have learned some pretty interesting things as a result and am still learning!

Not everyone will understand what you are saying... Therefore I need to be able to explain things in a bunch of different ways. I haven't always been the best at this. In the past few years after being put into different teaching situations I have learned how to explain things differently.

I pay attention to detail more while I'm dancing. I want to be able to explain every little detail I feel/see/know when I'm teaching something. And I'm most likely going to teach something I already do it actually helps to pay attention to every single dance I have... even the dances with the newbies... probably even more so with the newbies.

I have learned how not to teach... well partly how not to teach. I still need work on that one. I have gone to beginning/intermediate lessons and watched those and participated because I want to see different teaching styles and I want to make a well rounded decision on what works and what doesn't. I think that's a pretty good route to go.

I do still need a ton of improvement as a teacher. If any teachers out there... whether you a teacher of dancing or not... if you have any wise old wisdom to impart on a grasshopper I will gladly accept!

Updated

I am not the greatest blog poster... or twitter-er... especially when I'm actually having a blast and am loving what I'm doing. Blogging and twitter are mainly for the hum drum boring moments in my day, which are few and far between.

Well What am I up to out here in the "valley of the sun"? Well here it goes!

The job I initially moved out here for has had a few set backs due to mail not getting to me in time. BUT I have the opportunity to turn it around and start the hiring process again. So I will be getting back on track with it and make sure it goes through this time.

I worked at a call center for 2 days... it was a means to an end job... just to get some fund-age, but ended up being the shadiest company I've ever seen. So with that knowledge I left my second day in the office regretting the possibility that I may come back for a 3rd day. When my alarm went off on the 3rd day at 5:30am I decided that I couldn't work for a company that wouldn't even tell it's own employees where their funding came from. Especially when I got in trouble the day before for telling someone too much information, in all reality I didn't tell them any information at all. They still had a TON of questions regarding the company and our "services" BUT I was told that I couldn't answer any of them. Weird, huh?!

SO in the mean time I've only been working as a professional dancer with Dabs, while submitting applications and resumes at different places. I've actually loved being a dance instructor. I think I'll write another blog post about being an instructor and all that goes with it... just a heads up. I mean although it is 3 in the morning I'm not tired at all!

I live with two dogs, Basie and Jane. They are about the cutest dogs ever. Super nice and friendly and oh boy do they love to cuddle Oh and they love to lick. Basie will try to lick whatever he can get his tongue on. Jane on the other hand will only "go for the gold," she will only lick at your mouth or eyes or ears. What I love about them is they aren't the annoying type of dogs that come in and wake you up when you're sleeping just because they are up and want to play. They wait until you are up to start annoying you. ;)

Dabs and I are doing great! We definitely make a great team! It's awesome and there is no one in the world I'd rather be a team with. Except maybe Darkwing Duck... *heavy sigh* if only he were real... Then Dabs might have to worry. lol. Dabs and I have been teaching together and running the dances together recently and it's been loads of fun! I am starting to get more involved in things which is really awesome because I totally want to get more involved and set things in motion. I have an amazing drive and goals and I am finally starting to see some of them play out. We'll see what ends up happening! It's exciting to think about!

It rained here tonight... which for people that have normal cars is not a big deal... But my car is not normal. As soon as I realized that it was rain outside I was hearing I ran outside and tried to get everything that could get ruined by the rain over to the other side of my car. See on the passenger side of my car the doors don't shut all the way... and rain, pine needles, pieces of trash enter my car undetected. Making rain a bit of an issue for my car. This experience has probably been the most stressful one since moving out here... Making it noteworthy.

Well as far as that goes I think I'm pretty much done with the little mini update on my life. I know for a MINI update it's pretty long... but hey it could be longer! ciao!

No Prevaricating Here

I started this post about a month ago and never finished it. Lol.


There's no use prevaricating around the bush... I am happy and in love. I never really thought that it could ever truly happen after my first real heart break. Because of that thinking I made some pretty dumb choices, which have hurt myself and others in the process... always fun. NOT! (yes that was a throw back to the 90's!)

I have been in Arizona for a month and a half and have spent everyday with Dabs... I can seriously say that I am more in love with him now than I was when I moved out here!

It's amazing the end!

Announcement!!! It's a Girl!

Okay... I admit it... I'm not pregnant, but I bet it grabbed your attention right?!

Although the "it's a girl" part is incorrect I do have a pretty big announcement to make. You ready?!

I'm saying, "peace out, LA! I'm outta here!"

Where am I going you ask? Well it's elementary, my dear Watson. Phoenix, of course! I recently have been cleared to work with Autistic children with a company called H.O.P.E. Group AZ. The company provides respite and rehabilitation care for Autistic individuals in Arizona. Since that's what I want to do with myself as a career I thought I might as well get a head start in the field!

When is this big move going to happen?? May 1st! BUT depending on certain work situations I may decide to bump it up to April 30th... if everything works out. It's super close and I'm getting super excited!

I can't wait to start a new chapter in my life! I'm super scared and nervous about being in a completely different place, starting a new job, and trying to figure everything out (again)... BUT I'm so glad that I'll have the support of all my family and friends out there! I can't help but feel that this is a step in the right direction, whatever that direction might end up being!

Accidental Agony

Friends are one of the most important groups in my life. Without my friends I would only be a shell of the person I am today. Friends have been the ones that have helped me through the roughest and the happiest times in my life . I love my friends dearly and want nothing to ever hurt them or harm them in any way, shape, or form.

I know that thinking nothing would ever hurt or harm my friends is wishful, so I don't ever think that. I at least thought that I would be the last one to cause them the heart ache or the pain.

Recently a really close friend of mine and I have drifted apart. Not because of anything anyone intentionally did, but it happened nonetheless. We were both living life with our own little internal struggles. Well when I shared, what I thought to be, a happy announcement it tore this friend apart. There was no personal attack involved or backstabbing or anything to that affect. It was completely different than any other situation I had dealt with before. This friend told me they needed space and so I have respected that and given them space.

In the process of giving this friend space I'm beginning to feel the loss of a true friend and am beginning to realize what heart ache I have caused. It makes me sad to think that I could have done that. It was no fault of my own, I am just doing what I feel is best for me.

In the end I know we all "gotta do what we gotta do," and if that means space or time apart or not even being friends anymore I will have to deal. I just wish it hurt a little less.

The Little Things

You may or may not have noticed that I tend to be pretty easy to please. I mean I don't require much... typically I go with the flow and am okay and content with whatever the outcome.

Last night I was at my friend's birthday party. It was an interesting situation. I knew everyone there, but I didn't KNOW anyone there. I am not a part of the "normal/regular group" of friends that always hang out together. Which in the beginning of the party didn't prove to be a big deal, but towards the middle/end I was separated and left pretty much by myself by the fire pit.

Now most people would probably feel super awkward and want to peace out of the joint immediately, because I mean who wants to be left to themselves by the fire pit? Well normally I would be one of those people... BUT I was provided with a metal skewer and marshmallows. I was seriously one of the happiest people on the planet at that moment in time! Now the question becomes who would want to leave a situation that makes you super happy?! A crazy person that's who!

Point of the story? I'm easily pleased and entertained and you pretty much don't have to worry about me TOO much. And that in and of itself makes me happy. I like not being high maintenance.

What I'm working on now is the balance of not being high maintenance and requiring some... A very valid point was brought up to me that being so low maintenance actually makes you high maintenance. Which at first didn't make sense to me at all. After thinking about it quite thoroughly and extensively on one of the many road trips I've taken recently it makes sense. Being SO TOTALLY "go with the flow" puts pressure on others and indirectly messes with the flow and creates an un-needed stress on said person... making me high maintenance. Weird how it works like that sometimes.

Tumbling "Oh's"

I just found this essay that I wrote for my English 101 class years ago! It's a hilarious story that happened in seminary my freshman year of high school. So I thought I'd share! Some of you may remember this instance, mind you I changed some of it just for the purpose of the assignment. Hope you like it!

"The Tumbling Oh's"

It was the best day of the week, Friday; it was game day in seminary! I got there early to set up my table. I go into the dark empty room. I could smell the usual aroma of dust and morning dew. In the darkness I could faintly see the outline of the tables, set up in the ordinary fashion, two parallel to each other on one side and two parallel to each other on the other side. I put my had against the course bumpy wall searching to find the light switch. I knew I had found it when I felt the painful shock of touching the switch's metal. I turned on the lights. Their brightness stung my eyes for a minute. I took out my group's scripture bin from the gray metal closet close to the entrance and placed it carefully on the back left table. It was my turn to take out our group's scriptures and place them neatly on our table. I put every book in its own place. I placed the perfectly square purple bin under the table out of sight. With nothing left to do I reluctantly take my seat. Suddenly the teacher runs in, out of breath, the brown haired stout teacher threw her materials on the table. Her presence was always known when she entered into the room, because her perfume was so powerful. It was as if you could know when she was walking into the opposite side of the church building. Surprised by my early arrival the teacher greeted, "Hi Karen! You're early!"

"I thought I'd get a head start"
"Since you're ahead of me can you help me set up?" Her voice had desperation; she knew she was too late to do everything her self. Her eyes were big and blood shotand they had big black bags under them.

I couldn't help but to enthusiastically say, "Sure!"

"How about you take these cards and put five on each desk. That'll help me out a lot!" I took the laminated yellow cards and counted out five for each table. In big Florescent letters at the top of the cards it said, "SCRIPTURE BINGO." I was curious how the game was going to be played, I had played bingo before, but never scripture bingo.

After I was done she had me put a large amount of cereal "Oh's" (they're similar to cheerios, but instead of being a hollow "O" they have little kernels in the center; they aren't very easy to stack and get sticky if you hold them in your hand for too long) on each table. The most gorgeous guy, Joshua, was the first to walk in. I had a crush on him since the beginning of the year. His light brown eyes sparkled in the light, his blond hair was course and curly, and his teeth were perfectly straight and white. I had never said anything to him before. Finally, after much debate, I decided to say, "Hi!"

"Hey!" he replied smoothly. Soon the other students started to come in two or three at a time. Everyone was getting settled, while the teacher was making final preparations for the game.

Finally everyone was ready to begin class. "I see everyone has taken out their scriptures, the first thing we need to do is pick them up and stand at the back of the classroom." The teacher then informed us we were going to be changing seats. The teacher called out names pointing to the table you were supposed to sit at. "Karen, Joshua, David, and Stacey. Sit here please." My heart stopped when Joshua's name was called. I was finally going to sit near the "love of my life"! It was one of the best days on my life! While the others in the class were getting their new seating assignments David and Joshua decided to see who could stack the "Oh's" the highest. Stacey claimed, "it will be funny if you knock over Josh's 'Oh's.'" I decided to "accidentally" kick the leg of the table. Joshua's face turned bright red, his fists clamped so tight that his knuckles were white; he turned his head to look directly at me. His eyes seemed to look right into my soul. They were intense and focused. His eyebrows furrowed, meeting at the middle of his bridge. He stood up lifted his right fist and slammed it down on the table. The pound of his fist was so hard I felt it through the floor. The "oh's" and cards all flew off the table and crashed down. At the top of his lungs he screamed, "Who do you think you are?!"My heart was pounding, my heands were sweating. I was ready to run away if I had to. I was scared, I didn't know what he was going to do or say. All I could think was, "How can I be SO STUPID?! Now he's never going to like me!!!" Everyone in the classroom looked over at us.

Timidly, I apologized, "I-I-I.... I'm sorry." Joshua shook his head sat down and began to reconstruct his tower of "Oh's". Everyone continued looking at me; I felt my face starting to get hot. I felt my stomach start to gurgle up the pop-tart I had eaten 15 minutes earlier. I slipped down into my chair not making eye contact with anyone. A minute passes and students went back to rearranging their seats. I leaned over to Joshua and assured him, " I really am sorry. I didn't know you were going to get so mad." He looked at me, smiled a crooked smile and started to quietly laugh. "I'm sorry I got so worked up. I didn't mean to scare you." I let out a sigh of relief; I felt that I had gotten a new start. The awkward silence was ended when the teacher had finished rearranging the class and dismissed us. We put out scriptures into out Perfectly square purple bin and put it back into the closet. We never did get to play Scripture Bingo that day.

Dates!

Whatever happened to dates?! That's what I want to know! Whatever happened to a boy going up to a girl and asking her if she would like to go to dinner and a movie Friday night or mini-golfing on Saturday or if she'd be your date to a dance (like the Bayside Ball)?? Nowadays it's all about hanging out.

NEWS FLASH Hanging out is NOT a date! Hanging out is what you do with your friends on a night you don't have a date.

I have been on only a handful of dates in my life. I want to experience those date jitters again!! I've had them a few times! The first experience was with the first date I had ever gone on. I asked him out and we went and played croquette in the park. I was super nervous and had butterflies in my stomach! He even held my hand at the end of the night! (OK I was 16! That's a big deal!!!)

Basically, I think that we all fall back on hanging out way more than we should. Dates are fun... or at least they can be.

Hitting Home

Tonight after I got out of class and was on my way to Lindygroove I decided to listen to the Plain White T's. After all I hadn't really had a good PWT's rock out session for a while and I thought I was just about due for another.

Well as soon as I started listening to them I thought, "whoa... I know how that feels!" Then that continued for the next six or seven songs... So I decided that when I got home from LG I would go onto blip.fm and "DJ" them to my "station (this link will take you to my station)." Now I didn't write on my station why I could relate to them or anything... which brings in this blog post! Here's where I'm going to expand on the reasons these songs hit me tonight... some harder than others.

1. Tearin' Us Apart - (lyrics) - I was that girl that he was talking to on the phone. I dated a guy once who was "totally into me" then he high school crush moved back... He went along like everything was normal, but then all of a sudden said he wasn't into me anymore... needless to say I found out the whole situation and this song fits his point of view perfectly.

2. Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - (lyrics) - I have a habit of falling for people that say one thing, but can't back it up with their actions. It's one of my biggest pet peeves, but old habits die hard I guess.

3. Hey There Delilah - (lyrics) - This song was dedicated to me by a boyfriend who lived in another state years ago. Every time I hear it I think of him and how he told me how the song made him think of me every time he heard it on the radio (it was just starting to get popular). Depending on the emotional state I'm in... I may shed a tear or two when I hear it. I'm proud to say that shedding a tear is becoming less and less frequent.

4. You & Me - (lyrics) - This song just makes me think of my most recent love adventures. I'm not saying they are exactly like this, but I've gotten pretty lucky and it's been so great because the last few guys I've dated have seemed to balance me really well and I for them... Which I feel is part of making a good you & me!

5. Come Back to Me - (lyrics) "If you come running back to me I'll be here waiting. Cause I still believe in a love worth saving . If you could see the sad look on my face. You'd be in your car headed back to my place" After my most detrimental break up this was the song that was my theme song. If that guy came back to me after breaking my heart SOOO bad and after all of that pain and hurt he caused I would still have taken him back in a heart beat. My love wasn't fading and I thought it was worth saving. I actually felt this way until almost a year after the break up... maybe even longer.

6. Write You a Song - (lyrics) "I don't know how to make lots of money. I got debts that I'm trying to pay. I can't buy you nice things, like big diamond rings. But that don't mean much anyway...I will write you a song. That's how you'll know that my love is still strong. I will write you a song. And you'll know from this song that I just can't go on without you" This song is an interesting one... I can go a couple directions with it. BUT what it really comes down to is I don't need all the fancy things people think they want/need. I try to be low maintenance and pay for most of my own way and try to pick up the tab in most situations. I just feel money is not important. I don't have to be with a person that can support me so much that I don't have to work or anything. I'd go stir crazy anyway. For those of you that know me, or at least see my Facebook or Twitter posts, know that I always have to be going, going, going! I think people perceive me different than this sometimes, though. I don't know why.

*LAST ONE*

7. 1,2,3,4 - (lyrics) - Sometimes you just find a person that you feel is too good for you on so many levels. I've found a couple. They were/are there to help me through the tough times and through the awesome times. They haven't been fair weather friends like so many people I know. I know the song is definitely talking about a romantic relationship, and I was talking about friendship... but most of those people that I was talking about were or are romantic interests. So I guess it works right?

At any rate... there's a little insight for you into my song choice. Oh and if I specifically go through my ipod to look for a song it usually has a meaning behind it. I always play songs that are fitting the situation; whether it is how I feel at the moment, what's happening, or how I *wish* I felt at the moment.

Forgotten

Until recently I had forgotten just how much heart break hurt.

I had done a dang good job of keeping my walls and guard up ever since my last heart break. In my mind that was the safest and easiest way to prevent any further damage. Finally, after much deliberation, I had started to let my walls crack and fall down for certain individuals.

I am not talking about telling people about personal experiences and such. I do that all the time, I'm one of the most open people when it comes to things like that. I mean that I let a person see me cry... I never do that. That is the most precious and vulnerable moment of my life I can let any person see. I was able to connect with people on levels that I had never been able to with anyone else in my life. It was a fantastic feeling and I loved every minute of it.

Maybe it was all too good to be true... I recently found out that I was lead to believe things that weren't true. It broke my heart. Dare I say, even worse than the last time.

I'm not mad or angry nor do i have any feelings of angst. I'm just hurt. I want it to go back to the way it was. Which is weird, I know. Growing up this was one of those things I was always sure about. I always thought I'd walk away from the situation and never look back. Boy was I wrong! That's the last thing I want. Call me crazy, but I don't care. It is the only thing I can think about right now.

I don't think I've ever felt so empty. I have been in a place where I haven't been able to eat or sleep much, but never like this. I know it will all work out and the hurt will go away... always does.


"Things usually work out in the end." "What if they don't?" "That just means you haven't come to the end yet."
-Jeannette Walls (The Glass Castle)

"There is no future. There is no past. I live this moment as my last. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret. Or life is yours to miss"
-RENT The Musical

In a Different Way

Recently I've been thinking a lot... I know, I know... I always do that before a blog post (I didn't say this was going to be different than any other time).

I have been sitting here trying to come up with a good introduction to this post, but I couldn't come up with one... SO Just know this thought came while I was in the shower... where most of my awesome life changing thoughts come!

I am very much of the opinion there will always be the one person you will always love. I'm not talking about the person you end up spending the rest of your life with, because hopefully you will always love them. I'm talking about the one you will always love in a "I fell in love with them, we went our separate ways, and I still love them, but in a different way" way. (I just confused myself a bit trying to explain it!)

BUT if you followed that....

I have experienced this with, what I call, my first true love. I still love him to this day! He broke my heart time and time again, but still I literally couldn't stop loving him!! Sometimes you can't choose who you love, apparently.

We've both moved on with our lives and don't really talk anymore, but he's one of those guys I will always have a strong connection to no matter how long it has been since we last talked. We've shared so many different life experiences, he put his arm around me when I cried, he let me make some awful meals for him and ate them only teasing me a little, he helped me with my homework, taught me how to play video games... Most of all he gave me the opportunity to really love someone and loved me in return, for however brief it was I would never trade that experience for the world! I mean the line in Moulin Rouge is "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" and when has Hollywood steered us wrong?! (I'm kidding! But really it's a great fundamental!)

Now I'm not saying that I love him the same way I did when we were together. Part of love is letting go and wanting the other person to be truly happy. So that's what I did, I let go.


The love I have for him is different now, but very much still there. It's an interesting thing to think about.

New Year!!

New Years come and go and every time we all get into this habit of making New Years Resolutions. Well last year I made some resolutions and I have to say I feel I did really well with them!! I mean I traveled a LOT more I went out of the country learned new things lost weight!

It was all just a fantastic experience! Well of course there were some goals that were less than fully met... either because I really stepped back and said "WHOA!! WTF was I thinking?!" or because other things happened and goals had to be put on the back burner.

Well this year I've decided not necessarily to make New Years Resolutions, but more of a check list of things I want to do this year! I have a few in mind already, but I still want to come up with more!

I know the suspense is going to be awful, but I'm sure y'all can hold it together and wait just a tid bit longer!!