Out

The other day I was driving and I was going through scenarios of current life situations that I am dealing with and I thought to myself... maybe I should give this person "an out".

Now when I say an out I mean a way to break whatever contract this individual and I had. Keep in mind, this particular situation had to do with more of an emotional aspect than monetary aspect of life.

I'm sitting there in my car thinking maybe I should give this person "an out" let them move on and forget everything. After all it would probably be easier that way. So I thought alright I'll talk to this person and see what they want to do about it.

Then the thought hit me... what if this person opts to take the out?! I didn't want that! That was the last thing I would want to happen!

Now to protect my wants and desires, I've decided not to bring up said "out". There is no way I'm going to try to do anything to possibly loose this individual in my life.

I know it's probably selfish, but I actually don't care at the moment. For once I know what I want and that's pretty important to go after, is it not?

Cowardice

Tonight was a fantastic night! I got to have dinner with one of my dear friends (Nick Peterson), who I always have a great time and wonderful conversations with and can't wait to see again on Saturday, and I got to dance with some of my favorite leads! Which let's face it, is all I need for a good night!

Even though tonight was overall a great and fabulous night there is something I need to say...

One thing that happened tonight that wasn't so fantastic is I realized that some people are just plain cowards. There is someone who hasn't been very friendly to me for the past little while. Not that I really care too much, unless it comes to the point where you're trying to make me look like a fool in front of other people. Well tonight as I was walking away from the dance venue this individual said (in a very condescending tone that screamed "I'm going to make you look bad right now")"Bye Karen!" I said an unenthusiastic bye and threw my normal peace sign and he replied "Merry Christmas!" In the same condescending tone.

Now normally I wouldn't think twice about it, I would just move on and say whatever. This time is different. Don't try to make a fool out of me to make yourself feel better about your shattered ego, buddy. You had all night to say hi, but you didn't because you're a coward and you knew if you said hi to me the way you did as you were getting driven away I would have b**** slapped you.

Never know what to say

A while ago I had a friend come to me with a problem. They wanted my help, but they didn't want my help at the same time. It got frustrating. To the point where I felt the urge to write something. At the time I wasn't near a computer or paper so I typed it in my phone. I haven't done anything with it until now, obviously.

It's not some great piece of literary genius, but I like it. It's raw and it truly is just what I was feeling. I didn't sit there and edit it or try to make it better, I just left it. So here you go!

I never know what to say.
Whenever I do say something it always seems wrong.
I hate being pushed away.
And every time I speak that's what happens.
I don't know what to do.
Do I keep quiet and hope that doesn't hurt?
Or do I try to unsuccessfully comfort you and feel like I'm being exiled?
-Karen Vizzard (December,2009)

Nodding and Smiling

Have you ever been in a situation where people are talking about personal experiences and you just have to nod and smile because you've never experienced it personally??

Well that happens to me quite a lot. For someone who traveled to the other side of the world on a whim I haven't experienced much here at home. I mean I've lived in LA for 19 years of my life and had never REALLY been to downtown LA until this last year (Thanks Marshall)!

Well recently I was talking to a great guy. We were talking about how we love the outdoors and stars and such. He started talking about how shooting stars, saying how great they were. Well there I was just nodding and smiling because I had never really seen a shooting star. Then he asked me if I agreed and I had to confess that I had no idea!

I swear he's going to have serious jaw problems for the rest of his life, his jaw dropped to the floor! He couldn't believe that I had never seen a shooting star. He brought up all of the overnight road trips I had done, because surely I must have seen one then, right? Wrong.

After the conversation I thought that I should make an extra special effort to look for shooting stars. Since then I've seen one on every long drive (over 2 or 3 hours) that I've taken! On the way back from Phoenix this last Sunday night (12/13/2009) I saw 6!! I was pretty impressed.

I love my friends for the opportunity they give me to learn about new things and have new experiences. Never a dull moment in my life because of you guys and I love it!!

TEARS ON MY PILLOW

"TEARS ON MY PILLOW
Little Anthony and the Imperials

You don't remember me, but I remember you
't was not so long ago, you broke my heart in two
Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, caused by you, you

If we could start anew, I wouldn't hesitate
I'd gladly take you back, and tempt the hand of fate
Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, caused by you,

Love is not a gadget, love is not a toy
When you find the one you love, she'll fill your heart with joy

If we could start anew, I wouldn't hesitate
I'd gladly take you back, and tempt the hands of fate
Tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, caused by you, you
Oh wo wo wo you you
FADE: wo oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh"



When the first guy I really truly loved and I broke up I listened to this song OVER and OVER and OVER again. It said exactly what I was feeling so it felt very appropriate to listen to it. Sad I know, but give me a break!

Well ever since then whenever I feel sad or something I listen to this song! When I first started doing that I would say to myself, "hey you got over that guy you can get over anything." It worked really well as a self affirmation at the time.

Now when I just listened to this song I still thought of that time, where I was heart broken and couldn't eat or sleep or function outside of the minimum that was required of me, and thought "wow that was a terrible time." Then I listen to the words of the song. I thought to myself, "hmmm do I still feel that way?"

I thought long and hard! Do I really want to tempt the hands of fate and start again with this guy?? Ever since this guy and I broke up I thought that I would love to be with him again. I never really questioned that feeling until this morning when I turned this song on!

So after much careful deliberation I have decided that I don't really feel that way anymore. Mind you I still love this guy, I think I always will (he was my first love after all), but I don't want to be with him. Can I just tell you what a great feeling that was to realize?!

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders! Weird I know because it happened so many years ago. But as I said I had never really taken inventory of my feelings about the subject other than I knew I had felt like that in the beginning and figured I still felt that way.

At any rate just wanted to share!