Forgotten

Until recently I had forgotten just how much heart break hurt.

I had done a dang good job of keeping my walls and guard up ever since my last heart break. In my mind that was the safest and easiest way to prevent any further damage. Finally, after much deliberation, I had started to let my walls crack and fall down for certain individuals.

I am not talking about telling people about personal experiences and such. I do that all the time, I'm one of the most open people when it comes to things like that. I mean that I let a person see me cry... I never do that. That is the most precious and vulnerable moment of my life I can let any person see. I was able to connect with people on levels that I had never been able to with anyone else in my life. It was a fantastic feeling and I loved every minute of it.

Maybe it was all too good to be true... I recently found out that I was lead to believe things that weren't true. It broke my heart. Dare I say, even worse than the last time.

I'm not mad or angry nor do i have any feelings of angst. I'm just hurt. I want it to go back to the way it was. Which is weird, I know. Growing up this was one of those things I was always sure about. I always thought I'd walk away from the situation and never look back. Boy was I wrong! That's the last thing I want. Call me crazy, but I don't care. It is the only thing I can think about right now.

I don't think I've ever felt so empty. I have been in a place where I haven't been able to eat or sleep much, but never like this. I know it will all work out and the hurt will go away... always does.


"Things usually work out in the end." "What if they don't?" "That just means you haven't come to the end yet."
-Jeannette Walls (The Glass Castle)

"There is no future. There is no past. I live this moment as my last. There's only us. There's only this. Forget regret. Or life is yours to miss"
-RENT The Musical

In a Different Way

Recently I've been thinking a lot... I know, I know... I always do that before a blog post (I didn't say this was going to be different than any other time).

I have been sitting here trying to come up with a good introduction to this post, but I couldn't come up with one... SO Just know this thought came while I was in the shower... where most of my awesome life changing thoughts come!

I am very much of the opinion there will always be the one person you will always love. I'm not talking about the person you end up spending the rest of your life with, because hopefully you will always love them. I'm talking about the one you will always love in a "I fell in love with them, we went our separate ways, and I still love them, but in a different way" way. (I just confused myself a bit trying to explain it!)

BUT if you followed that....

I have experienced this with, what I call, my first true love. I still love him to this day! He broke my heart time and time again, but still I literally couldn't stop loving him!! Sometimes you can't choose who you love, apparently.

We've both moved on with our lives and don't really talk anymore, but he's one of those guys I will always have a strong connection to no matter how long it has been since we last talked. We've shared so many different life experiences, he put his arm around me when I cried, he let me make some awful meals for him and ate them only teasing me a little, he helped me with my homework, taught me how to play video games... Most of all he gave me the opportunity to really love someone and loved me in return, for however brief it was I would never trade that experience for the world! I mean the line in Moulin Rouge is "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" and when has Hollywood steered us wrong?! (I'm kidding! But really it's a great fundamental!)

Now I'm not saying that I love him the same way I did when we were together. Part of love is letting go and wanting the other person to be truly happy. So that's what I did, I let go.


The love I have for him is different now, but very much still there. It's an interesting thing to think about.