Lookin' for Love

I am about to admit something that I never thought I would tell anyone. It is something that I struggled with and was afraid of for a long time, just thinking about it now is breaking my heart. I have even gone back and forth about posting this blog. I've had it written for months, but didn't want to open up and be as vulnerable as I'm about to be. BUT, I feel it's important enough to post. So here it goes.... 

I was afraid I wouldn't love my daughter when she was born and I didn't. I know some of you are probably going, "what?!?! How is that even possible? There's no way!" And I'm telling you, "yeah, it can happen."

While I was pregnant women would always tell me how connected they would feel to their babies while they were pregnant; how they already felt a strong bond between themselves and their unborn children. Some even told me the connection they felt during pregnancy was so strong that once the baby was born they would feel empty because they felt they were missing that bond. 

I definitely did not feel that way. 

Yes, I was ecstatic to become a mother and yes, I was so extremely excited to be starting my little family...but I didn't feel a strong connection to the baby growing inside me.  It was a "super cute 'soon to be baby' parasite." I did get excited and think it was cool when I would feel her kick or move around (I absolutely loved that... Well, until the last few months ;) ), but that was the extent of what I felt.

I don't know why I didn't really feel anything. All I knew is that I wanted to feel something. I started feeling inadequate because I thought I should be feeling more. As time went on so did this lack of feelings; I became deathly afraid that those feelings wouldn't ever come, that I would never really love my daughter.

Well, January 11th FINALLY came and Alice was born! It was an amazing day that of course has changed my life forever! I was so happy and excited to welcome my DAUGHTER (still a bit weird to say) into this world! Everything was a bit of a whirlwind after she was delivered. When I finally had a moment to stop and assess my feelings, I didn't feel the way I wanted or the way I thought I was "supposed to feel". Yeah, I had a feeling of responsibility, I wanted to care for her, and thought she was precious; however, all of that was fairly superficial. I only loved her in a "I want to take care of her" kind of way and was amazed by the whole process of pregnancy and child birth. I didn't feel like I *really* loved her the way I should or hoped I would. It's not that I didn't want to; I would have given anything to feel that amazing head over heels in love with your brand new baby feeling I always hear women talk about!!

I felt like my fear had become my reality. I would look at her and wonder, "Do I actually did love her?" Then would wonder if she was aware of my feelings. (Because that's all I needed... To start screwing my child up emotionally already.)

After we left the hospital I actually had the opportunity to take care of my completely helpless baby. As I came to know her I started to fall in love. My love for her grew a little deeper each day. 

When Alice was about 3 months old I was breast feeding her and there was nothing out of the ordinary. I looked away from her for only a minute. As I turned back I saw her in a way I had never seen her before. I don't know how to explain it other than I was overcome with love. So much so I started bawling!! There was a burning in my bosom, and, no, it was not just my "let-down". ;)  I was in love with my daughter, more than I had ever been!! What was even more amazing was that it was a much more intense feeling than what I had been expecting to feel.  

Now when she and I stare at each other there is no question that there is tons of love radiating between us and I just want to kiss and hold her all the time!! I was so worried about not loving her that it actually prevented me from starting. I didn't want it to be "wrong" or leave something to be desired. I should have realized there is no wrong way to love; every relationship is different. Sometimes it takes time, and that is perfectly ok.

Since January I have grown to love Alice more than life itself and cannot wait to see her grow into a beautiful woman and see how much more my love for her grows!

2013s Over Onward and Upward to 2014

Well, I'm jumping on the band wagon... This time of year everyone makes posts of their year in review and what they plan for the next year. I wasn't going to cave and be part of the majority, but here I am... Just call me Lucy. (Get it?? Lucy... The oldest female human remains they found... A cave woman... Maybe I'm too much of a geek since I found that so very entertaining.   http://www.pbs.org/saf/1103/features/meetlucy.htm)

At the beginning of 2013 I had a slew of goals that would take me out of my comfort zones and dared me to be adventurous! All of those were derailed and replaced by new goals/achievements that pretty much did the same thing. Which I couldn't be happier about. For instance, instead of trying out for the Phoenix Suns dance team (which heck, I may still do) I got married! Instead of competing in a solo blues dance contest I got pregnant! (...which Dabney just said is kinda the same thing!)

Can you believe it?? I'm having a baby anytime between now and a couple weeks from today! I kind of am still in disbelief! I get a jolt back to the reality of it all with every kick to my ribs or every time I walk in front of a mirror! I am SO EXTREMELY happy that I get to be sharing and experiencing this with my best friend and the perfect companion! I am convinced Dabney and I were pretty much made for each other; unfortunately, as a result, this kid has no hope... She is going to have the most awkward "awkward phase", have the worst teeth ever (until braces, but will continue to have problems with them moving), and will probably be super embarrassed by her parents all the time. I've thought about this a lot. 

Last year I managed to  snag a man that has become an incredible support to me in every aspect, takes care of me when I cry (even if it's as dumb as me not being able to turn the hot water on), makes me laugh so hard that I have thrown up (multiple times), is still attracted to me when I look my worst, and no matter how much time we spend together it doesn't seem like it has been long enough. It still amazes me how unconditionally he loves me, I have never had that kind of relationship before him and I had never imagined having one. To top it all off he is going to be an amazing father, even if at times he doubts himself; I know it because I know him and have seen him with his nieces and nephews he is so full of love there is no way he couldn't be!!

Last year we made a goal to broaden our teaching and take our show on the road. Which we did, quite successfully I might add. We took it easy after I got pregnant, since I didn't know what to expect, but in 2014 we hope we can start to build momentum and do it again!

I was going to make specific goals for 2014, but I think just general ideas would be best. This is going to be a new chapter in my life that is going to involve much more than just myself. With that in mind I feel The best goal I can have is to be flexible. A baby is a ton of hard work... And I've already started to have the feelings of inadequacy because of it. I wasn't being flexible. I need to learn to let go of things when they aren't perfect according to the plan. I mean if everything went perfect where would the fun in life be?!

In 2014 I'm going to get out of my comfort zone! I have always wanted to choreograph dance numbers, but never have. I've always felt I'm not creative enough for it and have always been scared of what my peers might think. I'm making a goal to give up that silly notion! I am a talented dancer that has a ton of potential and before I can reach my full potential I have to start unlocking it!! Why should I sit by the way side and let others do it without standing up and giving it a shot?! In the next year I am hoping to organize a solo girls chorus/team out here in Phoenix. Working with just the follows has been something I've wanted to do since I moved here, but have been too nervous/ scared to do so... Again silly notions!

I am going to read more... And actually finish books once I start them! I have about 5 books that I have started reading and have yet to finish!

I'm going to be more genuine in all my relationships. In the last couple years I have gone through some pretty emotionally wrecking experiences and have been too focused on myself and not other people, rather I've only been focused on certain people. Yes, I have new and old friendships that I have built and are great, but there is so much more I can do to bring happiness to the lives of people around me. My mom was a really good example of that. She would always be thinking of other people. In the last year I feel I have done somewhat of the opposite and only cared about me and people in my immediate circle. This year that is going to change!

To go along with the last item, I am going to start writing thank you cards for things I am given. Getting a present is great and dandy, but getting a thank you card makes a person really feel appreciated. (I got this idea from a friend, Beth Grover, on Facebook)

I also want to run in some sort of organized race... Not a marathon or half marathon... More like a 5k or 10k. I've been wanting to do that for a while, the last time I did something like that was in 8th grade!! I figure it's probably going to be a great way to lose some of this baby weight too!

I  feel really good about the things I have set out to do and am optimistic about 2014, it's going to be a good year. No matter what! I mean how could it not be?! I'm starting the year off as a brand new mommy!!

(Maybe I'll even blog a bit more....)