It is hard to believe that in my 24 years of life I can say that I have not had a SINGLE Un-merry Christmas. Everyone has to have one right? Well, I guess my time has come and this is going be my first Un-merry Christmas.
Why? This will be my first Christmas without my mother. She passed away recently from liver complications due to pancreatic cancer. My mother was such an integral part of the holidays; she did ALL of the decorating, ALL of the gift buying, ALL of the wrapping, and baked the cookies for santa (I guess my dad helped too... He ate the cookies to make it look like Santa had been there). My mother was the reason the season was SO INCREDIBLY special in our household growing up. To not have her around during probably one of her (and my) favorite holidays is something I've been putting off thinking about for as long as I could.... Afterall, It is after all only 4 days away now (and might I add the world hasn't ended).
This year as the Christmas season approached I began to dread it. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. Everything seemed to remind me of my mother and all I could think about was how much I missed her. Reluctantly, I minimally helped Dabney put up Christmas lights, helped take out some Christmas boxes, and wrapped presents.
As I sat on the couch today I realized the last couple of days I have looked at things a bit differently. The last few days hadn't been completely, "I hate this I miss my mom!!!!" I've started realizing all of the things she found joy in this holiday season and started taking joy in them too.
That thought made me happy. Sharing hobbies/interests with each other is something my mom loved.
It also reminded me of an email I had received from a friend just after the initial news of my mom. He shared a story of a friend he had lost to cancer, how it was difficult to deal with, but how he can now find joy in using the possessions his friend gave him. It is his way of celebrating the times they shared, so to say.
Without really knowing it I have taken the advice to heart. I have started using her things; while at first my heart would just absolutely ache, instead I now remember all of the great moments we had. Whether it's a memory of her giving John and I the beaters to lick after making cookie dough or melting pounds and pounds of chocolate with me to make chocolate lollipops to raise money for my Best Buddies club in High School.
I have now tried to apply it to more than just possessions. My mother taught me a lot over the years. The one thing she taught me best was never lose the Disney Magic. She was ALWAYS nice and never let anything get her down. She always seemed to find joy in something, even if the situation was awful and I have taken note of her (well organized) genuine care for everyone she came in contact with and how she always tried to be welcoming. This holiday season I have tried to be more like my mother in these ways. I have been a bit happier as a result and I think people unknowingly appreciate it. (Let's just say she is a pretty smart woman.)
I know the next few days are going to be hard to handle. Nothing can prepare me for the storm that will be Christmas, but I will go into this thinking of how I can best celebrate her instead of dwelling on the fact she's not with us.
Wish me luck...
